


Houses of Cards

by Thursdays_Dove



Series: Near X Sayu [4]
Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Depression, F/M, Past Character Death, sad fic is sad, talk of depression so that may be a trigger to some readers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-07 20:50:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7729240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thursdays_Dove/pseuds/Thursdays_Dove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been three years since the death of her brother, and Sayu finds herself struggling with depression. With Nate away on a case and no one else around to talk to, she invites herself out with the former task force members and uncovers a harsh truth that will change her life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wheel of Fortune

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here's where things take a dark turn. Be warned, my fellow Near/Sayu shippers - this is where things begin to get ugly. I am planning out four chapters for this one and may come back to make some edits later - if I do, I will let you know.
> 
> Anyway - not much to say this time. Onward!
> 
> -Disclaimer-

January 28 was a difficult day for Sayu. It marked the day her brother had died while in pursuit of Kira. Although he had died a hero and had put a stop to Kira's killings as a result (well, with the exception of the recent killings of the elderly that just did not ring true with Kira's original MO, in her mind), it did nothing to assuage the fact that he was gone. It was even harder to deal with this year because not only was her mother inconsolable as usual, but her Nate was out of the country on another one of his cases as well.

Somehow dealing with the anniversary of her brother's death was more difficult now that Nate was in her life. Not that he was responsible for what had happened, of course, it was just that he brought such a wonderful bright light into her life, the dark shadows that clung to the corners of her mind seemed especially dark and difficult to stave off in his absence. It was like an apartment infested with roaches - turn on the light, and they all scatter and hide; but once that light goes off, they creep back out and linger, crawling and scuttling about in their loathsome existence.

Without Nate's calming presence and with her mother being emotionally unavailable during this time, Sayu was left with virtually no one to talk to. Sure, she did have some friends left over from school, but Sayu had learned some time ago that her so-called "friends" were actually only what her mother referred to as "fair-weather" friends. None of them knew how to deal with her depression and sometimes downright dark moods, and she had the distinct impression that they did not really care either. Instead of listening to her or even trying to be helpful, they would either tell her to "just cheer up" (as if that were something she could just _do_ on a whim - if only it were that easy) or they would change the subject to something they felt more comfortable with, which most of the time consisted of things she was just not that interested in anymore. Then again, none of them had ever lost any family - at least not in the horrendous ways she had lost her father and brother - and to her knowledge, none of them had ever been kidnapped and held hostage at gunpoint either. Still, it left her feeling like her feelings did not matter, and so she tended to avoid her friends anymore, especially around certain anniversaries.

On top of that, she had not heard from Nate all day. Although that admittedly stung her a bit, she figured he must have been super busy on his current case. There was no way he would have left her alone all day, given what day it was and all, unless he could not help it. Making assumptions about her Nate was the last thing she wanted to do, and so she decided that the next best thing was to go out for the night. Even if he decided to call in her absence, she was sure he would understand her need to get out for a bit. She reasoned that he would not want her sitting around all day by herself and shrouding herself with the dark, depressing thoughts that manifested themselves if she spent too much time alone. Once she got going down that path, breaking out of it was a struggle. He had witnessed this himself a couple times, and the only things that had broken the mood were either sex if he was physically present, or a late-night philosophical conversation if he was away. Either way, he was not available, and that left her with nothing to help her ward off the dark thoughts.

It was an act of desperation that led her to digging up Matsuda's phone number with the intention of inviting herself out with him and the other officers for sushi and drinks on the third anniversary of her brother's death. Despite her desperation, she had dialed Matsuda's number into her phone with some apprehension, unsure of how he would react to hearing from her after so long. She had not spoken to anyone from the NPA since her brother's funeral. The men who had worked with her father for so long would check up on her mother from time to time and would ask her about Sayu, but none of them actually spoke directly with Sayu herself. Matsuda was the only one of them who, after the conclusion of the services three years ago, had given her his number (Nate had also given her his number, but she knew that he was not associated with the NPA in any way, and, although she had found it curious at first, she had accepted it and found it more comforting to talk to this bizarre stranger than people she actually knew). The good-natured officer had told her to call him if she ever needed anything, even if it was just to have a shoulder to cry on. She had never seen the need to call him before now and she was hoping that she was not only using him now by doing so. She doubted that he would see it that way, but it still left her feeling apprehensive and awkward.

When Matsuda picked up, he sounded almost exactly the same as he did three years ago. Almost. His voice was still welcoming, but the cheerfulness that had come so naturally before everything seemed a bit more forced now. She knew how much the man had respected her father and her brother, and although some selfish part of her wanted to say that he was not the one who had lost family, she knew that he also had the right to grieve the loss of friends. In a society that did not have the time, patience, or knowledge of how to handle depression, people like her and Matsuda, it seemed, were forced to wear a mask over it as best as possible. Sometimes, only other people wearing the same mask could see through yours.

"Hello? This is Touta Matsuda."

She hesitated a moment before slowly saying, "Hi, Matsuda. It's Sayu."

The voice on the other end suddenly brightened by several octaves, "Sayu! Long time, no talk! How are you?" He then seemed to realize what day it was and the possibility of why she was calling - she could all but hear the _click_ in his brain. "A-Are you doing okay?"

Those four little words all of a sudden made her want to cry. She had not been asked that question all day.

"Um, yeah.. mostly, I think," she squeezed her eyes shut and felt her eyelashes moisten with unshed tears, "I just.. I'm sorry to call you from out of nowhere like this, I just needed someone to talk to." She winced at how selfish those words sounded, but she did not know how to make it sound any better.

"No, no, it's okay, I'm glad you called. I told you you could call me any time for any reason," he reassured her, and it was a relief for her to hear someone sound so genuine for once. Of course, her Nate was always genuine, but he had this quiet way of speaking that, while it was endearing to her most of the time, sometimes it made it difficult for her to read him.

After a brief pause, he added, "Do... Do you need me to come over?"

"Actually," she said with a shuddering sigh that had come from nowhere, "I was wondering if you and the others were going out tonight and if I might be able to join you."

"Well, sure," he sounded a bit surprised, "We're just going to be ordering some sushi and drinks, but I guess you already knew that or else you wouldn't be asking to come."

She found herself beginning to smile, which felt good after a whole day of wanting to cry. "If it's not too much trouble...?"

"You're never too much trouble, Sayu," he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice, too. "What time should I pick you up? We usually meet up around 7."

"Then I guess 6:30 is fine," she said, glancing over at the clock and noting the time. 5:49 PM - that would give her enough time to get showered and at least semi-decent. She did not really feel like changing out of her pajamas, which were actually a pair of Nate's pajamas that he had left over there. She briefly considered wearing them out in the same way that her Nate did, but she decided that if there was a possibility she would be drinking, she should at least throw on some jeans and a t-shirt, even if she hadn't done her laundry all week. Besides, they were too loose on her and revealing in some areas as a result, and she would rather save that for when Nate returned to her.

"All right," he agreed, "I'll see you at 6:30, then."

"Okay. I'll text you my address. See you in a bit." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "Thank you, Matsuda."

"No problem. See you soon," he said, and then there was silence on the other end.

She pressed the "end call" button on her phone and set it down on her desk. She stared blankly at her computer screen for a moment, at the last line in her story that she had written the night before. She had not been able to get any words out all day. Her story was just getting to the good part, and yet she could not find the willpower to put any of her ideas down. Her chapters that had previously come to her all at once had all but ground to a halt over the last couple of weeks, partially because she was thinking so much about her brother, partially because she had been feeling under the weather and was just wanting to sleep all day, two things that were not conducive to good writing but were unable to be helped.

Well, her audience would just have to wait. She decided that she needed this outing more than they needed to know what had become of Amaya and Kaito after the fall. And who knew - maybe she would gain some pep and inspiration after a few drinks.

* * *

Less than an hour later, there was a knock at her door which signaled the arrival of a beaming Touta Matsuda. She resisted the urge to hug him at first, but, after retrieving her purse and keys, gave in and did so anyway. He seemed a bit surprised at first, loosely hugging her back before stepping back awkwardly while she locked up.

The ride to the gastropub was segued mostly with small talk - questions about how each of their days had been, talk of the weather, topics of that sort. Sayu knew what they both wanted to talk about, but for some reason she could not bring herself to broach the subject. It seemed he could not either, because she noticed an unusual tension around his eyes that was only there when he thought she was not looking. Matsuda had never been good at concealing his emotions - that much she knew even from the brief amount of time she had spent in his presence - so she could tell that there was something on his mind beyond what had happened on this day three years prior. Not wanting to think too much on it, she chalked it up to stress from the recent string of "Kira" killings - no doubt that was causing chaos among he and his colleagues.

When they arrived, the two of them joined Shuichi Aizawa, Kanzo Mogi, and Hideki Ide at the bar, Sayu finding herself safely seated between Aizawa and Matsuda. They passed a menu around, each of them ordering their respective sushi and drinks, before truly striking up conversation with one another. In all actuality, Matsuda and Sayu were the two who did most of the talking - the others seemed content with listening and focusing on their drinks, intermittently making snide remarks in response to some of Matsuda's not-so-bright comments or asking Sayu about how her life was going. None of them brought up the subject of why they were all there, though she figured at this point that it was never _going_ to be brought up with them. The fact that they were all there together was bringing it up enough.

When Sayu's order arrived, as she gazed upon the little rolls and at the raw fish in particular, she felt an odd churning in her stomach. She ended up pushing the plate away, allowing Matsuda to help himself, and next made a grab for her beer. But the taste and smell of that also turned her stomach. Wrinkling her nose, she set down the bottle and asked for a water, a cranberry juice, and some crackers instead. Matsuda gave her a concerned side-glance, but to his credit said nothing, which she appreciated.

In truth, she wasn't altogether surprised by her sudden aversion to the sushi and beer - she had hardly been able to eat anything all day. All week, even. She knew it had been because of the upcoming anniversary of her brother's death, though. She had had similar reactions in the past, though she did feel a bit disappointed at not being able to at least take the edge off her sadness with at least _one_ beer. Oh well. She would just have to deal with it.

Over the course of the next couple hours, while the others had all sipped conservatively at their drinks, it became obvious that Matsuda had knocked back a few more than he had intended. While he became more and more chatty as the night went on, Sayu fell back into a polite silence, every now and then responding to his random conversational prompts, which only encouraged him further. By the end of the night, he was red in the face, stumbling off his stool, and requiring the assistance of one annoyed Aizawa.

When Sayu asked how Matsuda was going to get home in one piece, Aizawa grumbled, "Let the idiot take a cab home and find his own way back here in the morning to get his car. It's his own damn fault for not knowing his alcohol tolerance at his age."

Displeased with the idea of letting Matsuda ride home drunk in a cab all by himself, Sayu called a cab over, helped him inside, and then climbed in after him, determined to at least see him safely home first before parting ways. The entirety of the ride was spent with Sayu continuing to listen to Matsuda's overly friendly drunken chatter about anything and everything - work, a commercial he saw the other day, stray cats, his favorite color, you name it. She felt moderately irritated by this despite how grateful she had felt for his company in the beginning. It's just that she was simply not used to so much frivolous conversation anymore. The only kind of "frivolous" chatter she desired now were those random late-night chats she had with Nate over the computer while he was away on his cases, which (and whom) she was sorely missing at the moment. She wondered what he was up to right at that moment and if maybe he was trying to call her. She felt anxious to get home and find out, but she would not have felt right leaving Matsuda to fend for himself in his condition. She liked Matsuda enough, but she decided that she liked him much better when he was sober and not inconveniencing her with his drunken shenanigans, but then she figured she had first inconvenienced him by inviting herself out with him.

When the cab arrived at Matsuda's apartment, Sayu paid the driver and helped the fumbling man out of the cab. Getting a drunk, unsteady Matsuda up a couple cases of stairs proved to be a challenge in and of itself, especially when he kept rattling on about how nice she smelled and how pretty she was - even more so when her stomach gave another disconcerting lurch at the strong smell of his alcohol-saturated breath hitting her square in the face. Thank goodness he was at least sentient enough to produce his keys from the pocket of his trousers, thus sparing her the awkwardness of having to reach in to retrieve them herself.

From there, she steered him into the direction of what she correctly assumed to be his room and deposited him onto the bed in a smiling, happy-go-lucky heap. When she moved to leave, she was startled to the point of gasping when she felt his hand reach out and enclose around hers. She was so taken by surprise, her natural reaction was to snatch her hand away, leaving his hand to fall limply onto his bed in the process.

"You're so nice, Sayu," he mumbled, head lolling onto his pillow.

"Um.. Thanks, I guess. You're nice, too, Matsuda," she returned, feeling awkward as all hell.

"No, really," he sighed, trying to push himself further up onto his bed and succeeding only at knocking some pillows off the other side. He slung an arm over his eyes to block out the light from the lamp on his nightstand. "You're so nice and you don't even know it. You're better than any of us, and stronger, too. I wish I could be as nice and strong as you. But I'm not. I'm not..."

Sayu could do nothing but sit there, feeling out of place and a creeping feeling like she should run out of there before something strange happened. She couldn't explain the feeling, but it wasn't good and it caused the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up. On some level, she later wished that she had listened to her instincts and fled while she had the chance.

But it was too late. The next words out of Matsuda's mouth caused her heart to drop into her stomach like a dead weight.

He muttered, "I'm sorry for killing Light," and then he was gone.


	2. The Fool

Matsuda awoke the following morning to a pounding headache; a horrible, acrid taste on his parched tongue; weird spots dancing from somewhere behind his eyelids.. and the smell of something burning. With a startled gasp, he rolled out of bed, knocking everything off his nightstand in the process, and darted out of his room, searching for whatever it was that was on fire.

What the hell? Had he really been that drunk last night? He didn't think he had been. But then why was there a fire? How long had the fire been burning? _How_ was there a fire…?

 _Oh..._ he thought as he rounded the corner and saw Light's younger sister in his kitchen. _It's just Sayu making breakfast._

Wait a minute. What was she doing in his kitchen? Was he still drunk or something?

"S-Sayu?" he stammered, dumbfounded as he watched her pull blackened toast from his toaster.

The girl turned around with a smile so flat she may as well have not been smiling at all. It was strange enough seeing her there in his kitchen, but add that she appeared to be unhappy about something and that was especially strange in his mind. She had seemed happy enough yesterday - a bit melancholy given what day it was, but still in relatively good spirits. Had he said or done something to upset her while he was drunk? He would have to try to find out, because while he did remember her helping him get home and in bed the night before, he did not remember all of what he said or anything afterwards. He did remember telling her over and over again how nice and pretty she was, but everything else was a blur of laughter and pathetic jokes on his part. He was pretty sure he had ruined whatever chances he may have had with her.

"What..." he began, feeling the words dry up along with any moisture he had left in his mouth. He cleared his throat and tried again, "What, um.. W-What are you doing... here?"

"I hope you don't mind that I spent the night on your couch," she said quietly, meeting his eyes for only a flash of a second before going back to what she was doing.

His eyes automatically traveled over to his small couch, taking in the pillow at one end and the wadded up quilt at the other, and then went back to watching her. "O-Okay. I can see that. But, uh... why?"

"I left a glass of water and some ibuprofen on your nightstand. You should probably go take it since I am sure you are hungover," was her reply.

"Why are you dodging all my questions?" A horrible thought dawned on him just then and he paled. Oh no... Had they...? There was no way... The old chief's ghost was going to haunt him for sure after this. He could only hope that his hungover brain was simply jumping to illogical conclusions. Still, he had to ask, "Did we... Did we, um...?"

He couldn't bring himself to say it, but turned out he didn't need to. Sayu flushed and shook her head, saying, "No, of course not. I had nothing to drink and you're still wearing all your clothes."

Matsuda looked down at himself and realized that she was right. Nothing appeared to be amiss there after all. Relieved, Matsuda let out a sigh and said, "Then why...?"

"Please, Matsuda, just... go take your medicine. I don't think you are in a well enough state for a normal conversation right now."

He blinked at her, perplexed, and then remembered that he did actually have a headache. "Oh... Okay. Sure. But you're acting kind of strange," he said, rubbing the bridge his nose, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Now, Matsuda knew he could be dense from time to time, but he had enough experience with women to know that the words "I'm fine" meant the exact opposite. Not wanting to push his luck, though, he obeyed and went to retrieve said water and painkillers, whereupon he discovered that he had knocked the glass of water over in his scramble to get out of bed. He cleaned up the mess, located the pills on the floor, and went back out to the kitchen, downing the pills with the glass of orange juice Sayu had set out for him.

"You know, you really don't have to do this."

She sighed, but did not stop what she was doing. "It's not a big deal. Really." She paused and then said, "Why don't you go grab a shower? I'm sure that will help perk you up."

"Well, maybe, but..." he trailed off. How could he explain how awkward that would be? To be in the other room, naked, while Light's sister was mere feet away under the same roof. Somehow it seemed like the ultimate perversion, right up there next to his earlier thought that they had possibly fornicated.

"Just go. This will be done by the time you get out," she commanded, still without making much eye contact with him.

The whole situation felt off somehow. There was something he was missing about this whole ordeal. As he continued to watch her while she got some new toast going and went about with the food preparation, he couldn't help but think that _finally_ a woman stays long enough to make him breakfast and it's full of this unusual, unexplained tension. _And_ he didn't even get lucky first - what kind of crap was that? Wait, no, what was he thinking? This was Light's _sister_ – this was _Sayu_ – and he had nothing but respect for her. He couldn't deny that he found her attractive and sweet and thoughtful and funny and... all of the above, but still, above all of that, he respected her.

He really needed to get his head to stop thumping, then he would be able to think more clearly and banish these idiotic thoughts. Perhaps there was something to that shower idea after all.

"All right," he agreed, and shuffled his way towards his bathroom, where he peeled off yesterday's clothes, which reeked of sweat and alcohol, and dropped them into the hamper. He then climbed into the shower, sighing in pleasure as the hot water seemed to wash away the worst of his hangover as well as whatever niggling thoughts he had about something being wrong.

By the time he finished with his shower and getting dressed and reappeared in the dining room, he saw that Sayu's timing was impeccable. Or was it his timing that was impeccable? Either way, fresh toast, eggs, sausage, and fruit all greeted him upon his return. Beaming, he sat down at his table to tuck in. He couldn't remember the last time someone had made him breakfast. It was probably his mom before he moved out, he thought, which made him feel pathetic all over again.

After inhaling nearly half the plate, he glanced back at Sayu as she sat across from him. He noticed that she was only nibbling on toast and said, "Aren't you going to eat anything more than that? I only saw you eat crackers last night."

"No, I'm okay. I don't have much of an appetite right now," she replied.

It was then that he noticed that she had only made enough breakfast for him and nothing for herself, with the exception of the toast. How had he overlooked that? Now he felt _really_ stupid. Plus that feeling that something was seriously wrong came rushing back into him. He couldn't look past it this time.

"Sayu," he said, setting down his utensils and gazing at her in sincerity, "Are you sure everything is okay?"

He wanted to ask her more than that, but saying more beyond that point felt like overkill. She picked idly at her toast, taking in a breath that sounded like she was about to start crying. Now he was alarmed. He sat up straight and watched as her eyes clouded over for a moment before they finally moved up to meet his. Something about that look pinned him to his chair.

"Did you really kill my brother?"

If he had been drinking or eating something at that moment, he was sure he would have spit it out all over the place. Either that or he would have choked on it. As he did not have anything in his mouth, his jaw instead unhinged as he stared at her, mortified and stunned beyond all belief.

It took almost too long before he could get his mouth operating again, "Wh-What do you mean? Why would you say something like that?"

"Funny, that's the same thing I was thinking all last night after you blurted out that you were sorry for killing Light and then passed out," she said. Her eyes fell back to her toast, where she continued to pick it apart, crumb by crumb.

Matsuda's mouth opened and closed several times. Had he really said that? He remembered a lot of things about last night - mostly his foolish behavior in front of Sayu - but that particular admission was not one of them. He must have said it, though, or else she would not be bringing it up right now.

He could hardly get any words out, and when he finally did, he fumbled, "Sayu, I-... I was _drunk_." Yeah, of course, he could play the drunk card. It would work.. wouldn't it? "I could have said _anything_ and not been sure of what I was saying."

"No, you were sure. You were going on for a period of time about how much you like me," she said without any kind of sugar-coating, which caused Matsuda to go pale again, "You definitely meant everything you said, including what you said about Light." When he opened his mouth to again deny it, Sayu cut across him, "Don't lie to me. I want the truth."

Her brown eyes which had been warm and inviting before, like melted chocolate, were now hard and fierce, burning into him even as he felt frozen by their intensity. Hell hath no fury indeed. The thought that she had never before looked so much like her brother flitted across his mind, unbidden. It was that combined with his own feelings of guilt over the entire situation that caused him to say, "The truth... The truth is..." He pushed out a sigh, feeling sick as everything about that day forced itself to the forefront of his mind, "I am responsible for Light's death."

"No," she said again, firmer this time. Matsuda could not help but flinch at the ire in her tone. This was a side of her he had never known existed and it was quite jarring. "That's not what you said. Your exact words were, 'I'm sorry for killing Light.' That would seem to indicate that you did something to _cause_ his death, not something you perceive to have indirectly led to it."

Matsuda could only stare at her as she rattled off her deductions. Where had she learned to do that? Well, she _was_ the daughter of a man who was once the police chief and the sister of a genius, but still... Being interrogated by her was definitely the most uncomfortable thing he had ever experienced, added on top the fact that he was being forced to relive his absolute worst memory.

All in all, he found himself momentarily unable to speak. Sayu pressed her lips together before she prompted, "I saw his death certificate. It said he died of a myocardial infarction."

Matsuda blinked. The meaning of the words rang a bell in his mind, but not only were not all of his mental faculties up and running (a side effect from being hungover), they were also suffering shock after shock and seemed to be shutting down, one by one. All he could respond with was, "..A what?"

"A heart attack," she clarified. "That's how Kira killed his victims, right? So if you killed Light, then are _you_ Kira?"

Blown away by the accusation, Matsuda spluttered, "No way! Christ, Sayu, how could you _say_ something like that?!"

"Well, what else am I supposed to believe?" she threw back. "My brother died of a heart attack, Kira mysteriously disappears, only now people are saying he's back, and then you drunkenly admit to killing my brother. No one has told me anything beyond that, so please explain to me how I am not supposed to think that you are Kira."

"Because I'm not him!" Matsuda cried, now beginning to panic. "I would never just-.. just... _kill_ people like that!"

How had it all come to this? He had the worst luck in the world. He was beginning to regret having given her his number now. He had only wanted to do the right thing and show some support for the woman whose brother he had shot five times and killed, and now look where that had gotten him.

"So what are you getting at then? That you had a reason for killing my brother? If you aren't Kira, then what _was_ your reason for killing Light?"

Matsuda hesitated. "Sayu, I-.. You don't-..."

"Just tell me the truth!"

"..You don't want to know the truth."

He realized right away what a mistake that was, because it was at that moment that he noticed her hand tightly gripping the knife she had used to butter his toast. The next moment she was shouting at him, "TELL ME!"

Suddenly, Matsuda found himself shouting back at her, "I shot and killed Light because _he_ was Kira!"

The sharp, angry words filled the space around them and echoed off the walls, much like how the sound of the gunshots had reverberated within the warehouse that day. He found himself shivering and his eyes stinging against his will. Who could have guessed that after dodging so many recommendations that he see a therapist to talk about what had happened, he would be forced to recount the nightmarish experience to _Sayu_ of all people? Getting drunk around her was just about the stupidest thing he had ever done. It ranked up there along with the time he had tried to spy on the Yotsuba Group and had accidentally been discovered and then forced to sit by and await rescue. And _that_ had required him to pretend being drunk and perform dangerous acrobatics on the railing of a multi-story building before plummeting to his supposed death... which really could have killed him if he had made one (additional) mistake, by the way.

The others were no help either - they were all as stoic as ever and still thought he was nothing more than a simple-minded idiot. None of them could ever see past the unfiltered comments and happy-go-lucky grin he always had painted across his face. That's how they would always see him - not as the person who had shot and killed someone they had all respected and even admired, but as the idiot who wasn't afraid to express the unpopular opinion... only in a not-so-positive light. They would never see the damage that had been done to him - partially because they refused to see it, partially because he refused to _let_ them see it.

Aside from that, even if he _had_ agreed to see a therapist, how could he have even possibly explained all of what had happened in a way that would not have compromised the integrity of the case? He could barely explain himself here, now, under pressure, after another one of his stupid mistakes. He could never have trusted himself to not spill the beans about the death notes and death gods to any external party, so what choice did he really have other than to keep his anguish to himself?

And it really was _anguish_ , because regardless of how he chose, or did not choose, to process what had happened on January 28, 2013, the guilt and trauma over it was still there. So what if he had shot Light out of anger? So what if shooting him had been necessary to save not just his own life, but the lives of the SPK and of his own comrades? So what if his bullets alone had not killed Light? True, they had all speculated that the shinigami had been the one to extinguish his life in the end, but there was a large part of Matsuda that still could not grasp the existence of shinigami and that he, himself, had not been responsible for his death. The fact that at night, when he was alone and trying to sleep, he could still hear resounding gunfire and could still hear Light's terrible screams as bullets ripped through his body was enough to remind him that no matter what anyone said, no matter what logic was applied, no matter what the autopsy revealed, he would always feel responsible for the boy's death.

It was with all of this weighing on him that he found that anguish exploding forth in a flood of words.

"He had us all fooled from the very beginning. He murdered who knows how many people. He even led his own father - your father - to his death. And then he was going to kill all of us - it was all part of his scheme to keep the fact that he was Kira a secret, so he could go on killing people and creating his own version of justice. He lied to us, used us, and betrayed us, and then he was going to kill us. I had no choice. I made the split second decision to shoot him. Maybe it was the wrong decision.. or maybe I did it out of anger. I don't know. All I know is that it was him or us, and I chose us." He felt a deep pain rip through him, causing him to shudder. "I'm so-.."

"..You made all that up."

Flabbergasted, Matsuda said, "No, I didn't. There's no way I could have made that up. Why would I make something like that up?"

"To cover for yourself, of course." Her voice had gone weak and wobbly, and it did not escape Matsuda's attention how pale and sickly she looked. "Light would never have done something like that. Light was not Kira - he was fighting _against_ Kira."

"You're in shock. Believe me, I get it. I was there and I still have a hard time believing it," Matsuda said as firmly as he could, wishing he really had fallen to his death that day at the Yotsuba Group headquarters.. "I wish I could say it was all a lie, but it's not. I would never lie-..."

Her denial swiftly became anger again. "Never what? Lie to me? Isn't that what you have been doing this whole time? You and everyone else. Just how do you expect me to believe anything you say?"

"We only lied to you to _protect_ you. We all agreed it would be best-.."

"Oh, please. Don't try to make it sound like you were only lying to me for my own good. God, how do you any of you sleep at night?" she fumed, pushing her chair away from the table and standing.

Matsuda opened his mouth to say that some of them _didn't_ sleep at night, not much anymore, but he instead said, "Sayu, please, listen to me! I thought you wanted me to tell you the truth."

Without thinking, he moved quickly around the table and reached out to her, but before his hand could come into contact with her, she growled and ripped her arm away, glaring at him. " _Don't touch me!"_ she shrieked as she hurried towards the exit.

The next moment, she was wrenching the door open and slamming the door behind her, no doubt alerting the neighbors to another one of his failed attempts at gaining female companionship, however unintentional the whole situation may have been. Matsuda flinched and stood there in her wake, staring around at his now empty apartment in confusion and disbelief. What had just happened? _How_ had it happened? How did he always end up getting himself into these situations? The fact that he knew for certain that he had screwed up his chances with Sayu for good was shoved aside in his mind and was replaced with guilt and the overwhelming feeling of failure. Not only had he failed Sayu, but he had also failed his team and also the deceased police chief, Mr. Yagami. He had failed L as well - all three of them - or rather, the two that truly counted as "L".

He had failed the new police chief, Aizawa, as well.

Oh boy. That was another thing altogether. Aizawa was going to kill him once he found out about this. Should he just come forward with what had happened? No way - he would be flayed alive. Maybe he didn't have to find out, though. Maybe the whole thing would just blow over and things would go back to whatever semblance of normal was keeping things held together enough to function. Would it just blow over, though? Matsuda knew he was never that lucky...

Without any real idea of how to proceed or even process what had just happened, Matsuda dragged himself past his forgotten plate of half-eaten breakfast and into his bathroom. He dug up a couple of sleep aids, gulped them down, and then trudged his way back to bed, where he collapsed and waited, numb, until the pills allowed sleep to claim him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say real quick that I immensely enjoy writing Matsuda, even in a serious situation such as this. His inner dialogue is surprisingly easy to write. I wonder what that says about me? :P Anyway, hope you have enjoyed it thus far, even if things are becoming more and more effed up. Thanks for reading so far!


	3. The Tower

It was after his team retired for the evening that Near decided to try calling Sayu again. He was not on opposite time zones of her this time - only a few hours ahead - and he was feeling pretty good after knowing that soon he would be able to put this case to rest. To say the least, he was more than ready to get home and spend some time with Sayu, especially after not getting to speak to her for the last few days. He had called at times when he knew she was usually home, and yet each time his call had gone unanswered. Even though he had been immensely busy, he had even tried calling her on the evening of January 28 (after a brisk reminder from Lidner that he should at least take five minutes to check on her on the anniversary of her brother's death, even if the anniversary meant nothing to him) - she had not answered then, either. It was a bit strange, yes, but it was also not anything to be alarmed about at that point - he knew she had friends and thought it was likely that she was spending more time with them to keep her mind off of things since he was inaccessible for most of the day.

Aside from the simple facts that he missed hearing her voice, seeing her smile, and engaging in their typical banter, he was feeling a little anxious because he wanted to ask her advice on something. Flat out asking for advice was not something with which he was well acquainted. True, he asked for his team's input on cases all the time, but that was much different than asking for advice. He had been thinking about it a lot more over the last few days, because he knew that he would probably very soon be receiving a call from the Japanese NPA asking for his input on the recent string of murders of the elderly and terminally ill.

Truth be told, he was not sure exactly what he was going to do when that call came. Up until that point, modeling his public behaviors and decisions after the original L had been a cinch - they had had similar lines of thinking, after all. But deciding on how to deal with some half-witted loser who had clearly picked up a death note and was using it to try to steal some of Kira's former glory? That was another story altogether. It did not fit L's usual standards before he would become interested, but then again, L was dead. Near knew that he was L to the rest of the world now, but still, he was also himself - and how he felt about this new murderer was not the same as how the first L would have felt, of that he was certain.

Therefore, he found himself at an impasse. He did not dare ask his team for their thoughts, though - he did not want them to think any less of him for his indecision. They had not discussed what was happening in Japan among themselves yet, but he could sense that that particular discussion would be happening soon, most likely after the conclusion of their current case. He wanted to make sure that he did get to speak with Sayu before then, preferably get to spend some time in person with her.

While he dialed up her number on his computer and waited for her to answer, he fidgeted with the sleeves of his pajamas. He really hoped she was home this time - he didn't think he could go another day without getting to see her and talk to her, a feeling which took him by surprise. He had never felt so close to another person before and it was as wonderful as it was terrifying. More and more lately he found himself wishing he could just cut out in the middle of a case and book a flight to Japan so that he could see her right away.

Near smiled as the computer showed the call as going through this time. He was so overcome with joy that he had the rather uncomfortable sensation of hitting a brick wall head-on when the connection completed and he saw her sitting there. Any joy he had felt up until that moment drained out of him.

She was not smiling - she was nowhere near smiling. In fact, if he had to describe it, he would say that she looked like someone had just died. She looked like she had not slept in days. He was so taken off guard by her haggard appearance, he found himself momentarily robbed of words, which was not something that happened often. Sure, he knew she would be going through a hard time because of what anniversary had just come up, but he never expected it would have impacted her to this degree. It looked like she was going through one of her depressive episodes, but this definitely looked like the worst one yet.

Concerned, he allowed the smile to slip from his expression and he cocked his head to the side as he asked, "Are you all right?"

At first it looked like she was not going to say anything, but then he saw her press her lips together in determination. He was utterly floored when she said, "Who really killed my brother?"

Despite being utterly floored, his outward appearance was just as placid as it ever was. Remaining calm in situations such as this was something in which he was well-versed. His immediate concern was now the possibility that very sensitive and very confidential case information had been leaked - information about what was perhaps the greatest, most important case in human history. The knowledge that someone had leaked this information to a civilian - to _Sayu_ , no less - angered him to no end, but he had to remain calm. It was admittedly difficult for him to remain calm when Sayu was obviously as distressed with this knowledge as he was, albeit for different reasons.

He could not just flat out admit to anything, though. She was not privy to this information, regardless of the subject matter and its relation to her. Besides, her knowing the truth would not do her any good, and whoever had leaked information to her would (or should have done) do well to remember this as well.

Deciding to err on the side of caution and feign ignorance, he said, "I'm not sure what you are implying, Sayu. Your brother was murdered by Kira." He saw her eyes narrow at him, but he continued as he worked on his latest tower of cards, "He died a h-.."

A loud scoff from the woman on the other side of the computer screen cut him off. Near found himself jarred by the harsh, sardonic noise coming from someone who was usually exuberant at hearing from him. He looked up from what he was doing and his eyebrows came together at seeing her scowl.

"Right. Then why was he shot?" she questioned.

Now he was definitely pissed. Someone _had_ leaked information to her. He would have to get to the bottom of this, quickly, and apply whatever damage control as necessary.

He still did not want to give anything away, though, so he replied, "What do you mean by that? His death-.."

"What do I mean? _You're_ the one who should be telling _me_ what that means since _you_ were the one who was there," she declared, "How come you never said anything to me about that? About him being shot? Why does his death certificate say he died from a heart attack if he was shot?"

"I am not sure where you are getting these ideas from, but his death certificate is correct. Your brother died from a heart attack, as per Kira's MO," he said.

"A heart attack exacerbated by gunshot wounds, maybe, but not a heart attack caused by Kira's method.. however he did it."

"Sayu," he said in an attempt to placate her, "there is nothing on his autopsy report to suggest he was shot. It all clearly states he died from a heart attack. As you said, I was there – nothing of the sort took place. Are you sure you aren't overthinking things in light of the recent anniversary of his death? I can understand that it's hard to accept-.."

"Could you just…" she growled, and at the sheer menace in her voice Near could do little else than give her his undivided attention. He had never been at the receiving end of a woman's wrath like this, much less wrath coming from his own girlfriend, "..for one minute… turn off the whole bullshitting detective act and answer my questions?"

And so he did turn off the so-called "act". He was so stunned by both her tone and the fact that she had practically just told him to shut up, he found himself unable to form a rebuttal. Sayu had never said anything like that to him, except for when it was said in jest. What the hell had happened in the last few days? Now he had to wonder if this was why he had not been able to reach of her as of late, if she had been avoiding his calls. He stared back at her, wondering who on earth was responsible for this. Not only was that person responsible for Sayu's distress, but also for the fact that he was taking the brunt of her wrath at the whole ordeal. He wanted to personally lay into whoever it was that was responsible, as soon as he could get over the shock of being yelled at by Sayu and figure out who exactly that was.

There were a few moments a silence between them in which Sayu continued to glare at him in a way she never had before, like she could see right through him. As a result, Near had to fight the urge to look away from her and go back to building his card structures. He suspected that doing so would have only ignited more fury within her.

When the silence was finally broken, it was as though someone had jabbed a needle into a balloon. Her sharp tone filled the silence as though it had never been, "What's hard to accept..." She trailed off in a curious manner, as if she could not decide whether or not to say what she had to say next, "..is that my brother was Kira."

Stunned yet again and now seeing little point in dancing around the subject, Near's quiet response was, "..Where are you getting this information from?"

"So he really _was_ Kira?" she said, her voice now wavering and sounding like she was about to start crying - something Near had never seen her do before and had no idea how to handle. When he said nothing, she went on, "My own brother was responsible for the deaths of _thousands_ of people?"

Near could not tell if she was talking to him or to herself at this point, but also knew it did not make any difference either way - he could not go on not responding to her. He said, "He was not solely responsible. He had the help of others."

"Oh, that makes me feel _so_ much better. _Thanks,_ Nate," she snapped.

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. But he had no idea what _to_ say to her that could possibly calm her down. He had thought that sticking to plain and simple facts would have made it easier for her accept, but as he had just found out, that was not the right move to make with her.

He tried another tactic. "You have to understand that none of this information was ever to be made public. If the public knew that Kira was a man and that he had died, they would have made him into a martyr."

There. Reason. Surely she would see it.

"But I am _not_ the general public - I am your _girlfriend_! And Light was my brother!"

"That is true - but when it comes to casework, you have no need to know such details, especially in regards to this particular case."

" _My brother DIED!_ " she yelled, her shrill voice forcing the smallest of flinches out of Near. Even from the other side of the monitor, he could see that her eyelashes had become dampened by tears and that she was shaking. "I think that entitles me to the truth behind the reasons why! You should have just told me from the very beginning instead of leading me to believe he was a hero and a saint! I shouldn't have had to find out about it from Matsuda drinking until he felt guilty enough to tell me!"

Now it all suddenly made sense to him. Being unable to reach him, Sayu must have sought the company of the former Japanese task force - or Matsuda, at the very least, since Near had seen him give his number to Sayu on the day of Yagami's funeral - to share in their mutual grief over the anniversary of Yagami's passing. It made sense that they would have all gone out for a few drinks to try quell the emotions from the day, only it appeared that Matsuda had had one too many. Near would have liked to believe that Matsuda would not have done something quite so stupid - he had been one of the few that the original L had trusted, after all.

Regardless of what had happened, Near was livid and wanted to personally berate Matsuda for his carelessness. Before he could stop himself, he growled, "Matsuda, you _idiot_."

"Don't call him an idiot just because he's the only one who had enough guts to tell me the truth!"

"His telling you had nothing to do with any bravery on his part. He only told you because he was under the influence of alcohol."

"He was the only one who felt _guilty_ enough to tell me - which is apparently something _you_ don't feel!" she hissed, and he felt her angry words bite into him in a way that was almost tangible.

"None of us - neither myself nor the NPA - should ever feel obligated to share case information with civilians, drunk or not."

His words clipped off the worst of her anger only to be replaced with a look of betrayal. "Is that really all I am to you? Just a civilian?"

"No... Of course not," he replied, realizing that he had again said the wrong thing. Was anything he said at this point going to be right? He felt a deep anger at the injustice of the whole situation stir within him, and without thinking he found himself saying, "Why are you only angry at me? Have they not all been keeping the same secret?"

"I _am_ angry at them!" she spat. "I am angry at _all_ of you! But you-.. God, you're the one who.. You're the one who has been _fucking_ me this whole time! While feeling no remorse!"

The harshness of her language all but slapped him in the face. Plus the implication that that was all it had been stung him. He had rather felt it was so much more than that...

"So, because I engage in sexual intercourse with you, my deception is somehow worse?"

"YES!"

"That makes no sense."

"Of course it does!"

"I fail to see how it does."

"I can't believe I am having to explain this to the 'world's greatest detective'!" she scoffed in furious exasperation.

If Near had never been at a loss for words before, now would have been the first time. Being someone who was used to being in complete control of any given situation, he was disconcerted by the fact that he finding it more and more difficult to come to terms with what was currently happening. He was pretty sure his mouth was not actually hanging open like he felt it was, but it did little to remove the shock he currently felt. There had to be some other explanation for this. There was nothing he had said or done in the past that could have possibly led her to the conclusion that he was L. Was there? No, there had to be something more to it. Perhaps Matsuda-...

"Don't go blaming Matsuda for that as well. I'm not stupid - I figured it out all on my own," she interrupted his thoughts, almost as though she had been able to read them. He watched her in silence, waiting for her to explain. "I know you aren't with the NPA and yet you were there when Light was killed. The whole world knew that L was on Kira's tail from the very beginning - that little televised stunt with Lind Tailor or whoever. And then there are the long cases, traveling all over the world, your endless supply of money. God, you get chauffeured _everywhere_ and you have bodyguards. What other explanation could there be? When were you planning on telling me _that_ , huh?" She scoffed again and Near was finding it quite difficult to meet her gaze. He had been so careless...

"So I have to ask, _L_ ," she went on when he did not respond, "Why me?" Near blinked at her, not understanding. "Why the sister of someone you were hunting down - _had_ hunted down? Is it because you felt guilty? Am I just some kind of conquest to you? Or is it because you pitied me?"

Again, Near fell into silence. There was nothing he could say to rectify his mistakes at this point. Add on top of that that he had never been attacked like this before - not since Mello, anyway - and he was beginning to feel completely shut down. There was a very real fear growing inside of him about the whole situation, something he could not quite pin down or identify other than it was _fear_ \- not to mention the fact that he was feeling insecure about the whole being L thing in light of the recent murders in Japan. He had wanted Sayu's advice as to what he should do - he was so certain she would have been able to put things in perspective for him - but this whole conversation had gone horribly wrong. There was no way he could have predicted that this was going to happen, not even if he had used his Tarot cards.

She must have taken his silence as confirmation, because she then said, "So that's it then - you pitied me." It wasn't so much of a question as it was an observation, and he realized that at least on some level she was right - he _had_ pitied her. He had pitied her for what she had been through - both on account of her brother and on account of Mello. Pitied her to the point where he felt responsible for her psychological well-being. Pitied her to the point where he had given her his personal contact number so that she could reach out to him. _Why_ had he done that...?

It didn't matter why he had done it - he had never regretted his actions. Being with Sayu was the happiest he had ever felt. She was the first person who had ever truly reached out to him and accepted him. She filled in a hole in his life he hadn't even known was there. How could he have messed things up this badly?

No. It was Matsuda's fault this was happening. If he had not opened his big mouth, Sayu would not be upset with him right now. He would be enjoying the sound of her laughter and the way her eyes shimmered whenever she smiled at him. She would be telling him how much she missed him and how she couldn't wait for him to come home to her. And less than twenty-four hours from then, she would be back in his arms and they would spend the first half of their reunion as they usually did before settling down and going out for dinner, or watching a movie, or just sitting around and talking about anything their hearts desired.

Instead, all of that had been stolen from him by _Matsuda's_ carelessness. Instead, he was being forced to endure her anger and her denial of the fact that her own brother had been perhaps the worst serial killer in human history. He was once again being placed at the center of someone else's misplaced anger, once again being blamed for someone else's failures.

"Sayu," he said, his voice having lost all its usual cool, collected quality but not its softness, "You are being irrational."

"No, I'm being human. And you are being a robot."

For what was perhaps the hundredth time that evening, Near fell into silence. He was no longer even able to meet her gaze. Fear and confusion had successfully paralyzed him. He was terrified that any move he made would be wrong, so maybe it was best to just not make any move at all. Maybe if he was quiet, she would calm down a little, at least enough to give him the time of day.

But it seemed that was not going to happen, no matter how much he wanted it to. "Nothing to say?" she prompted.

"I don't know what else you want me to say," he whispered. It was one hundred percent honest.

He heard a heavy sigh come from her. "Nate... I don't know what to say to you either. If you can't even think of anything to say to me after all of that, then I don't know what to think other than you don't respect me - at least not enough to tell me the truth or even apologize."

"Then I am sor-.."

"No, you're not," she interrupted, pressing her lips into a thin line, "You're only saying that now because now I already know everything. If none of this had come to light, I would still be oblivious and you would still be content with keeping me that way."

He couldn't deny that she was right. He _would_ be content with keeping her in the dark about her brother and the Kira case. But none of that mattered because now she _did_ know.

The sound of a rapid watery inhale and exhale caught his attention. He looked up and saw that she was trembling again and this time there were tears trailing freely down her cheeks. All other thoughts fled at seeing her like this. She was crying. She was crying because of him.

"I'm-.. I..." She sucked in another loud breath. "I can't-.. All the lies, the deception, the-.. I can't do this anymore."

He listened to her in silence, feeling a sensation like he was free-falling and unable to do anything to stop it.

"I think.. this is it. This is it-.. for us."

Near felt his eyes widen at her statement. "What do you-..."

"Please," she muttered, "Don't make me say it again. I can't deal with this anymore. Goodbye."

The video went blank and just like that, she was gone. He sat there, frozen, surrounded by his fortress of cards and dozens of CCTV screens monitoring everything going on in and around the building.

The silence that was left in Sayu's wake was deafening. He could still hear her last words as though they were being said out loud over and over again.

And then a stinging pain tore through his chest. For a second he thought that perhaps he was having a heart attack, that somehow Kira had come back from the dead and had written his name in the death note. He was dying, wasn't he? He had to be. He had seen dozens of people succumb to heart attacks, but of course he had never experienced one for himself. Was this what it was like? A terrible, suffocating feeling and like the fabric of reality was falling apart around you?

He then felt dizzy and nauseous - two feelings that usually came along with other symptoms that required several days' rest and plenty of fluid intake. But it was such a rapid onset, he found it hard to believe that he was coming down with an illness.

So, if he wasn't dying and wasn't ill, then what exactly was happening to him? The pain in his chest was excruciating. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before. Perhaps he should call his team in to take him to the hospital. No, that would be silly. It would be a waste of time and he would have to go through the trouble of producing one of his fake IDs. Besides, he hated being hit with a barrage of insipid questions, especially from some idiot doctor who didn't really care about how he felt - they were only interested in collecting his money and going home at the end of the day.

Unable to identify the source of his pain and unwilling to do anything about it, he decided to distract himself by looking over at one of his towers of cards, delicately stacked and truly an impressive structural feat. Stacking cards the way he did was no easy task, but Near had a practiced steady hand and was, if anything, an expert at it. The room held several massive interconnecting structures, some as tall as he was. It had taken him the better part of a week to build such a sprawling fortress and he would have been truly annoyed should anyone have knocked any part of it down, even on accident.

And yet, without even a single conscious thought as to what he was doing, he reached out towards one of the towers and closed his fingers around a single card, pulling it out and causing the entire metropolis to collapse in on itself - first one tower, then another, causing a cascading effect of falling cards, scattering around him like dead leaves. A deafening, eerie sound filled the air as the cards rained upon the ground.

Once the air was still and quiet again, Near glanced down at the card he held in his hand. Flipping it over, he could only stare at it with tired, half-lidded eyes. The lightning bolt, the flames, the toppling tower.. even the two people who were falling to their deaths... It all stared back at him, mocking in its unflinching truth.

Feeling strangely weak and struggling to keep his chest, which still hurt like hell, from hitching, his fingers went lax and the card slid from them and onto the floor, landing face up among the other Tarot cards.

He took one last look at the card as it lay there, stood, and then quietly left the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for this. Believe me - this was extremely difficult for me to write, not just because of the details involved but also because I adore Near/Sayu so much, it was painful to see this happen. But I feel that it is appropriate, at least in my mind. Please, please forgive me, my fellow Near/Sayu shippers. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.
> 
> Also, I just want to say that my husband was a huge help to me on this chapter. He helped provide me with the male perspective on certain aspects and gave me direction on the characterizations. I owe him my thanks. :3
> 
> Sit tight. There is one more chapter after this.


	4. The Emperor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, allow me to explain a few things about this chapter if I may.
> 
> 1.) It is a bit sillier than the previous chapters. It is something that just came out naturally as I was writing it, and as I look back on it, I feel it is appropriate. I think after all the heavy, sad stuff, some comedic relief was needed. If this bothers you, rest assured, the angsty stuff will soon return. :P
> 
> 2.) The format is a bit different in that it is not as streamlined and is not one, long scene. You will see that it is several scenes strung together but separated by horizontal lines. I did this because this chapter is woven in with the Death Note One Shot manga. It is written with the assumption that whoever is reading has read this manga - if not, it is pretty easy to find online. However, I think this chapter provides enough details to allow you to skip over reading that should you not feel like reading it.
> 
> 3.) For some reason, I keep hearing "The Game is On" from the Sherlock soundtrack throughout this chapter. x)
> 
> 4.) I lied. This is not the final chapter. There will be one last chapter after this.
> 
> Thank you for reading so far! I apologize to anyone I may have upset last chapter, but I hope this chapter makes up for it. :3
> 
> Onward!

Aizawa was having a very bad day.

His morning started off with a stiff neck and aching spine as a result of having been forced to sleep on the couch. The recent suspected death note killings had, of course, been keeping him out at work late, especially with his recently acquired position as the new police chief. By the time he had gotten home last night and went to collapse into bed, he found that the children had decided to crawl into bed with their mother and together the three of them were hogging the entire bed. Unwilling to risk waking them up by even trying to squeeze in, he stripped down to his boxers and camped out on the sofa for the night, drifting in some strange, half-asleep, half-awake state.

He did not feel like he had slept at all by the time the morning arrived. His seven year old son served as his alarm clock, as the young boy began shaking him and telling him it was time to get up. Groaning in protest and feeling like his limbs had all been replaced by lead, he forced himself up, quickly showered, grabbed a quick breakfast his wife had been graceful enough to make for him in spite of his time spent away from home as of late, and trudged his way back into work, feeling like he had never even left in the first place.

He grumbled a good morning to his equally exhausted team and waited in silence for his morning coffee to brew. Out from the corner of his eye he saw Matsuda join him in the break room and inwardly groaned, willing the coffee machine to go faster. It did not.

The other man seemed to be lingering about, putting Aizawa even more on edge than before. He could sense that the idiot was about to strike up a conversation with him, so Aizawa braced himself for the inevitable inane words that were sure to follow.

"Um, Aizawa? Sorry, I mean Chief," Matsuda said, appearing sheepish at his slip.

Aizawa didn't see the point of why he always flustered himself with what to call him – it didn't matter much to him either way. He squeezed his eyes shut, took a breath, and said, "Get on with it, Matsuda."

"Yes, sir," said the other man, "I, uh… I have something very important I need to discuss with you. You know, whenever you get a chance.. but sometime today, though. The sooner, the better, really."

One of Aizawa's eyebrows twitched, "If this has anything to do with how you called out sick the other day-.."

"No, no, that's not it. Well, it is sort of related to that, to be honest, but not about that exactly, _per se_ …"

What the heck kind of sense did that make? Try as he might, Aizawa could not make heads or tails of what the other man had just said. To him, it sounded like he had thrown a bunch of words into a blender and regurgitated whatever so-called sentence resulted. Or maybe he really was just that tired. Either way, he had not had enough coffee yet to deal with Matsuda's incoherent ramblings and would likely need at least two more cups before being able to do so.

"Please, can we not do this today," he griped as he picked up his mug of coffee and turned to leave.

"Wait, Aizawa!" Matsuda implored, following closely behind him, "It really is important. Please."

Now, Matsuda's idea of "important" ranged anywhere from some stupid commercial he saw on the television the night before to a potential breakthrough in a case, and Aizawa was unfortunately having a hard time trying to discern which it could be. He paused in the doorway of the break room and gazed back at the younger man, narrowing his eyes at him. He could see that the look on Matsuda's face appeared genuine, if not grim. From that look, he decided right then and there that no matter what took place that afternoon, before he went home for the day, he would have to hear what Matsuda had to say.

"All right," he sighed, "Come by my office at 4. And you better not be wasting my time."

Matsuda appeared relieved, determined, and nervous all at once – a curious combination, but Aizawa did not have the energy to question it at the moment.

"Thank you, sir."

The two parted ways after that, as Aizawa had several meetings with the higher-ups to attend and the latest sub-cases from the larger Kira II case to pour over. After a large portion of his day had been eaten away by the meetings, Aizawa decided it would be beneficial not only to himself but to the rest of his team for him to take a short nap in his office. He would not be any help to anyone in his current zombified state.

Locking his office door behind him, he all but collapsed into his chair, letting out an enormous sigh as he did so. Just thirty minutes of peace - that's all he was asking for. His team could handle things in the meantime, but for now he just wanted to shut his eyes for a few minutes.

But it seemed he would not get what he wanted, because as he was loosening his tie, the screensaver on his laptop suddenly vanished, gaining his attention. He stared at the screen, confused because he had not touched it, and nearly fell over in his chair in shock when a large, black L with a white background appeared on his screen. What the hell was this all about? Near was hijacking his laptop? For what reason?

Outraged by the intrusion, Aizawa opened his mouth to give the arrogant prick a piece of his mind, but the garbled, computerized voice he was so used to hearing beat him to it, "Good evening, Mr. Aizawa."

"Near! What is the meaning of this?!" he barked.

"L."

"What?"

"I must insist that you refer to me as L."

Aizawa pushed out a frustrated sigh. "Fine. L. My question remains the same. Why are you hijacking my private computer? Can't you send someone like you usually do or at least just _call_?"

"Believe me, nothing is quite as private as we would like to believe."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he said and suddenly had a creeping feeling that he was being watched. His eyes flickered to the built-in webcam on his laptop, and although the camera had been disabled long ago for security reasons, he could not help but feel that Near had activated it and was watching him right at that moment.

"I am contacting you to inform you that the relationship between myself and the Japanese NPA is herewith dissolved and that I will no longer be assisting on any cases."

Aizawa almost fell out of his chair again. "What?! Why?!" he spluttered.

"It has come to my attention that the NPA has leaked sensitive and confidential case information to the general public."

"Are you serious? Who said what? When did this happen?" he demanded.

There was a half a beat of silence that Aizawa, for a reason he could not explain, interpreted as a gleeful spite. "You may want to perform your own internal investigation. But I'm afraid that I am very busy and I do not have time to go into all the details myself."

"You're being unreasonable. Let's talk about this. Tell me how this came about and I will handle that person accordingly."

"I'm afraid that won't do, Mr. Aizawa. Suffice to say, it is clear the NPA does not respect the integrity of its cases and therefore poses not only a security risk to itself, but to my own operation. Either way, I'm afraid I cannot allow myself to associate with such a careless entity."

Now thoroughly pissed off at the insult, Aizawa growled, "Careless? After everything we've done for you?"

"I beg your pardon," the computerized voice sounded almost sardonic, "But I am the one who assists your agency, not the other way around."

"No, you only assist us when it suits your interests."

"All the more reason why I have made the decision to break ties with the NPA."

"..You can't do this! With everything going on right now.. Surely you've heard.."

"I have."

"Then how can you even think of not joining forces on this?!"

There was another brief pause before the voice said, "I repeat, if the Japanese police are going to leak sensitive, confidential information about cases - much less the most influential case of our time - then our line of trust is broken."

"So... let me make sure I have this right," Aizawa said, grinding his teeth together, "You're not only going to punish _us_ , but also who knows how many innocent people, because you're deciding to be a petty asshole."

"No," the synthesized voice that came through the computer carried with it a coldness that Aizawa could feel even through the distortion, "this will be on the consciences of you and your colleagues." There was another short pause, as if the user at the other end was giving him a moment to think about the consequences of his colleague's actions. "This has taken up more than enough of my valuable time."

"Near!"

"Farewell, Mr. Aizawa."

The connection ended abruptly, clipping off whatever retort Aizawa had in mind. For a moment, he just sat there, staring at the screen as it looked like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. The complete understanding of what all had just taken place hit him all at once. Of all the eloquent phrases he could have possibly used to express his feelings on the matter, the only response he could come up with was,

"Well, shit."

* * *

Shuichi Aizawa's day did not improve at all after that. In fact, things somehow got even worse as moments later Yamamoto, Matsuda, and the rest of the task force all barged into his office, all worked up over something.

Aizawa groaned and put his head into his hands. "Fifteen minutes. That's all I ask for at this point. Just _fifteen godforsaken minutes_."

"But, sir, you really should take a look at this," Yamamoto said as he thrust a newspaper into the older man's hands, paying little to no heed to his boss' distress.

Having had no choice but to take it, he grasped the paper and gazed at the words on the page, eyes narrowing in abhorrence at the revelation of the fact that this so-called "Kira" was now moving his minimum killing age down by five years. What the hell was the point of _that_? What an arbitrary thing to do. For that matter - what was the point of _any_ of this?

It was shortly thereafter that Matsuda pointed out another one of Sakura TV's brilliant program listings. Aizawa rolled his eyes and scoffed. There was no way he was taking that ridiculous program seriously.

* * *

From there, the group discussed their next game plan, set themselves to reconvene in two hours, and the task force went on their way. Aizawa thought at that point that he would get a chance to call his wife, tell her he was going to be late (yet again), and finally - _finally_ \- get a chance to put his head down for just a few god damn minutes, but then he frowned in dismay when he noticed that Matsuda was dawdling in the doorway.

Pushing out a sigh of defeat, Aizawa said, "What is it, Matsuda?"

"You, uh.. agreed to have me meet with you around this time, Ai-.. Chief."

Aizawa's eyes trailed to the clock on the wall, noticed the time, and sighed, "Right, right. Come on in then. And shut the door behind you."

Matsuda obeyed without question, shutting the door and then shuffling his way over to the desk before sitting down. Aizawa noticed how stiffly the other man was sitting. He thought about leaning back in his chair to put him more at ease, but then he remembered how much his back was still aching from the night before (had that really only been nine hours ago?), and so decided to continue leaning forward against his desk for support, even though it made him look more intimidating. It was interesting to note that Matsuda was acting strangely subdued once again, just as he had been acting earlier that morning in the break room.

"I'm listening."

Now the other man appeared apprehensive. The look reminded him of the way his children looked whenever they did something they knew they should not have done. Aizawa did not even have to ask them what they had done - usually they would be acting nervously enough, all he would have to do is look at them with a raised eyebrow and they would confess to whatever it was they had done.

He tried that same tactic with Matsuda now. It seemed to work, because the moment his eyebrow went up, a torrent of words burst forth from Matsuda's mouth.

"I messed up big time, Aizawa. The other day when we all went out for a few drinks-.. Well, the other day, you know... _The_ other day?" he rambled and then stopped, looking at Aizawa as though he was not sure he had been able to keep up with the story so far, however little of it had been told. Aizawa was not sure this should be taken as an act of kindness or as an insult to his intelligence.

Whichever the case, Aizawa was forced to prompt the other man into continuing by splaying his hands and saying, "Right. I remember. You all but forced poor Sayu into dragging your drunk ass home. Excuse me - _helping_ you home."

Matsuda flushed and appeared to melt against the frame of his chair. "Yes, right, that's the one - the day. Well, you see, I-..."

"Oh, God," Aizawa groaned. "You didn't sleep with her, did you? If you did, I swear to God, I-.."

"No, no, no! No way, Chief!" Matsuda protested, holding his hands up in a disarming manner. Aizawa noted that the other man had jumped straight to referring to him as "Chief" in lieu of his name, a testament to how abhorred he was by the idea. "That's not it at all, I swear!"

"Well, at least we don't have to worry about pissing off the old Chief's spirit."

"Heh heh, right," Matsuda stumbled, placing a hand on the back of his neck and laughing nervously.

"So, what is it then? You said it was related to the other day."

Matsuda gulped, and when Aizawa noticed this action, he braced himself for some seriously bad news. If it wasn't that he had slept with Sayu and it wasn't that he had called out sick, yet it was all related to his getting drunk, then what could that possibly leave...?

* * *

Moments later, a loud shout of "MATSUDA, YOU IDIOT!" could be heard down the hall. The rest of the task force members flinched, stared in the direction of the noise, and then whistled as they went back to work. Whatever had just happened, this time tomorrow they all knew that Matsuda would most likely be scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush.

* * *

"Do you realize what you have done?!" he scolded a now cowering Matsuda.

"Yes, of course I do!" Matsuda hastily agreed, "I'm very sorry! I'm sorry I didn't come to you sooner - I didn't know how to tell y-.."

"I don't think you truly realize the severity of your actions. There's no way you could," Aizawa said with a fiery breath of air, trying to will himself to calm down. "Listen, I am.. angry at you beyond all comprehension right now, but seeing as this involves you, I am going to clue you in on something. I received a call from Near earlier."

"You did?" Matsuda said, "W-What did he say? Is he going to help us with the case?"

"Quite the opposite, actually. He called to inform me that he is severing ties with the NPA."

"What?! Why on earth would he do such a thing?!"

"..Just take a wild guess."

Matsuda appeared to blank out for several moments before Aizawa could see the lights upstairs turning on, one by one.

"Y-You mean he somehow found out..."

"He must have. There's no other explanation for the timing of his call."

"But.. But how did he find out?"

"Who knows. The guy had the ability to hijack my computer to tell me all of this, so I can't say I am altogether shocked that he found out before I did," he said, shooting a pointed look at the younger man, who shrank back from said look.

"Look, like I said, I am sorry for not telling you sooner. I truly am, Aizawa. I am so, so sorry for letting you down and causing all of this happen. I can understand if you want to fire me-.."

Aizawa pressed his lips into a thin, severe line and said, "As much as I want to act on my emotions and A.) fire you, and B.) beat the ever living hell out of you.. this case is at a critical point and I need all the help I can get, especially now that Near will not be helping us. But don't, for one second, think that you are out of the firing line. This infraction goes far beyond your usual idiotic behavior and will need to be addressed."

"Y-Yes sir, I understand..." he agreed, nodding, before both men trailed off with sighs of varying levels of exhaustion. Matsuda suddenly broke the silence, "I don't get it. How could he just let all those innocent people die because of my mistake? I never thought he could be so petty."

"Because," Aizawa said, "He and Ryuzaki were cut from the same cloth."

* * *

Never before had anything Aizawa said been more right, as he soon found out. He could only gape, slack-jawed like a fish when that damned Old English letter L appeared before him once again, only this time it was not only on his screen, but on screens all over the world. He exclaimed in disgust as the little prick announced to the entire world that he would not be taking the case and therefore pushed all responsibility back onto the Japanese police. He really should not have been surprised by the announcement – he supposed some part of him was foolishly holding out hope that the kid would see reason and would agree to help them out anyway.

But then he figured it did not really matter at that point anyway – they knew how the murders were being committed, and with his team's previous experience with the death notes, he was certain that they would be able to hunt down this fake Kira and bring him to justice. It was high time the Japanese police reclaimed its pride and stopped relying on an outside entity to assist them with its cases, especially one as unjust as L. After all, Aizawa had never agreed with his tactics. They didn't need him anymore anyway. Aizawa was confident that he could lead the charge. He had learned from the best, after all.

But first.. he needed some sleep. After at least twelve hours on the job, he dragged himself home and collapsed into bed, which was kid-free this time. He could only hope that he would get some sleep this time and that tomorrow would be a better day.


	5. Judgment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the last chapter for real. It is an epilogue of sorts, so it is a bit shorter. Think of it as a "Two Weeks Later" sort of thing.

Over the next few weeks, since the Kira II killings had abruptly ceased right after Near's worldwide announcement as L, Aizawa found Matsuda in his office more often than ever before. After their initial discussion about what Matsuda's punishment would be, Aizawa listened to him vent about everything that had happened and everything that had been on his mind since he shot Light Yagami. He even watched the other man break down right in front of him and had awkwardly gotten up to close the blinds to his office to give the weeping man some privacy.

Aizawa couldn't find it in himself to brush him off that time. Instead, he found himself sharing his own grief and connecting with Matsuda.

"Do you really think you are the only one who has nightmares?" he said once he had sat back down at his desk, earning a surprised look from Matsuda. "We're all still fucked up, too, you know. Light was not only our colleague, but our friend. To be lied to and used and stabbed in the back like that-.."

From that moment on, a strange sort of camaraderie formed between the two men. Aizawa told Matsuda that he was a good cop, that he needed him at his best, and to take better care of himself. He told Matsuda that he could come into his office and talk about Light any time he wanted, as long as it would help him through whatever it was he was going through. He was, however, forbidden from coming in and talking about any of his usual nonsense, and Matsuda had agreed with that easily enough.

This current meeting, however, was neither about Light nor any of Matsuda's usual nonsense.

"Have you had any luck reaching Sayu yet?"

"Not yet, Chief," Matsuda admitted with a sigh, leaning back in his chair and pressing his fingertips to his forehead, "I have called her multiple times. I've also tried texting her. No response to either. I even tried knocking on her door and no one answered."

Aizawa frowned. He did not like the sound of that at all. Not only was it detrimental to their cause, but it was also worrisome. "Have you tried calling Mrs. Yagami?"

"I have, actually. I asked her if she had heard from Sayu and if she was doing okay. She said she and Sayu talk fairly regularly, though she has been a bit more quiet and moody recently. She also said something about her feeling under the weather."

Pushing out a sigh, Aizawa also leaned back in his chair, drumming his fingers on his desk a few times before saying, "All right. I'll try calling her." It was something he had been hoping to avoid, but it seemed at this point he had no choice. "It might be that she is wary of hearing from you since you are the one who initially broke the news to her."

At that, Matsuda looked embarrassed, but Aizawa had chosen to stop acknowledging the other man's embarrassment over the issue. He did, after all, have the man staying after his shift every day to assist the janitorial staff with cleaning every inch of their floor as punishment - something he would be doing for at least the next six months, he had decided. He figured that Matsuda missing out on his favorite prime time shows and handling everyone else's messes was punishment enough for what mess the man had caused for everyone else. Firing him would not have done anyone any good, and besides, their floor had never looked better.

Aizawa picked up his desk phone and punched in Sayu's cell phone number, the chair creaking as he resumed sitting back while it rang. He met Matsuda's gaze from the other side of his desk; a gaze which looked hopeful that this time the young woman would answer her phone; a gaze which turned into a look of utter disappointment when Aizawa shook his head as her voicemail picked up.

"Oh man, how are we ever going to-.." Matsuda started, only to be hushed by Aizawa holding up his index finger at him.

"Sayu, this is Police Chief Shuichi Aizawa. I'm not calling to talk your ear off, but rather to invite you down to the station so that we can talk about your brother's case," he said, pausing to lick his lips and clear his throat. After all these years, the subject was still difficult to discuss, but he had to be the strong one and trudge forward if they were to make any sort of headway on this mess. "I want you to know that I am here to answer any questions you might have, with the understanding that there are some details that absolutely cannot be discussed - not because I don't think you can handle them, but for your own safety and because the case is technically ongoing. Please understand that that is not an exaggeration." He paused again, hoping that his words would get through to the girl and not wanting to leave too long of a message, for fear it would only further drive her away. "I would be happy to hear from you, but if you choose to decline my invitation, I will understand. Hope to hear from you soon."

And that was that. With a sigh, he replaced the phone back onto its receiver and resumed leaning back into his chair.

"That's the best we can do for now, I'm afraid," he said.

Matsuda pressed his lips together. "I have half a mind to go break down her door, to be honest."

Aizawa pushed out a exhausted breath of air, "You and me both."

At that, it seemed Matsuda could not help but grin at least a little. In spite of himself, Aizawa found himself grinning oh so slightly as well. Never in a million years would he have imagined that he would have been on even remotely friendly terms with the idiot, yet here he was.

It was funny, Aizawa thought as he watched Matsuda leave his office shortly afterwards. In addition to this unexpected friendship with Matsuda, Aizawa also never would have guessed that Near's decision to break things off with the NPA would have been good for the agency, both as a whole and for its individual members. But it was. They were much better off without the little prick. Let him gloat over what he supposed was a victory for himself - Aizawa knew the truth of who had won this particular game.

* * *

At the former SPK's headquarters, Near could be found in his usual spot on the floor, surrounded by Tarot cards and other various childish objects. Currently, he was sitting as far away from the door as he possibly could, having positioned himself in the middle of his towering structures so that his team would not have an easy time of reaching him. Over the last couple of weeks, the structures had grown exponentially in size, some of them reaching six or seven feet high. How he had been able to get them to stand so tall and sturdy was a mystery to anyone who had not been there to witness their construction.

Several times, his team came looking for him, only to spot him in an unreachable area of his city of cards. Their exchanged looks of concern did not escape his attention, but he did choose to ignore them. All the while, he was bracing himself for whatever asinine talk they had in mind as to his behavior as of late and his supposed tendency to make rash decisions, such as severing all ties with the Japanese NPA. Oh, he had been admonished for that one all right, but in his role as L, he was the boss - they could question his decisions all they wanted, but in the end, his word was final. They finally left him alone about it once they realized they would not be getting any better explanation out of him other than it was for "security reasons".

As Near was focusing on his latest structure, he heard the door to the central command open and close softly. He sighed in annoyance, knowing what was coming, but also knowing that this time it could not be avoided. Lidner was nothing if not persistent.

"Near," her gentle voice came from behind him - that was obviously as close as she could get without having to shout over all the cards. "Are you all right?"

He remained silent as he opened up a new pack of cards, laying the box aside as he splayed out the cards in a small semi-circle before him. Of course he was all right - he was still sitting there and breathing, wasn't he?

When she received no response, she pressed on, "You have been in here all day. I haven't seen you come out - I know because I have been watching the hall. You also haven't taken any new cases, but there are several that are demanding your attention. You have just been sitting in here, playing with your Tarot cards."

Without even turning to look at her, Near could tell that she was waiting for him to respond. He had no intention of responding, so he rather wished she would just go away.

It seemed his cold-shouldering would not discourage her after all, "At least tell me why you haven't taken on any new cases."

Now that was a question he could answer, "It is difficult to choose a case if none of them would have interested L."

"You make it sound as though nothing interested L."

"With all due respect, I didn't know you had personally met L to be able to discern his tastes."

"As I recall, you never met him either. And as much as you say you looked up to him, it seems to me you are doing a pretty poor job of living up to that expectation of yourself."

Near closed his eyes at her words, wishing she would just shut up. What did she know of expectations? He pulled one of the cards out of the spread, flipped it over and revealed the King of Wands, and then used it to prop up another card on his tower.

"I didn't hire you to play the role of my mother, Lidner."

"I'm not trying to be your mother," she replied, "I am saying this not as your subordinate or as anything else other than as your friend. I am concerned about you and your behavior over the last couple of weeks. I have never seen you this withdrawn before. I know this is because of.. what happened with Sayu."

Lidner would not have been able to see it, but Near narrowed his eyes slightly at the mention of Sayu, his fingers curling around the Lovers card, wishing he had his darts right about now.

"Break-ups are hard for anyone," she went on, "Especially your first one. I just want you to know that if you want to talk about it... Well, I have been in your shoes before-.."

"I never wear shoes. You know that," he said in his usual soft tone, placid as ever, all without stopping what he was doing.

"Yes, Near, I realize that," she sounded exasperated and sympathetic at the same time. "I also realize when someone is deflecting."

"I wonder..." Near said, tapping his lips with a card a couple times before carefully placing it atop the most recent wall he had started building. "..how much you enjoy working for me, Lidner."

The older woman was silent for a moment, no doubt wondering what he was getting at. "It-.. I enjoy it very much. Working for you has been a rewarding experience, despite the frequent danger."

"That's interesting."

"Interesting, sir?"

"Yes. Interesting how someone who values their job as much as you say you do continues to express unnecessary and uninvited concern over a non-issue."

The thinly-veiled threat hung in the air like a poisonous cloud. Surely that would dispel her ridiculous interrogation.

"It's not a non-issue," she went on stubbornly, ignoring the threat, "If it were a non-issue, you would not be sitting in here all day playing with your Tarot cards and foregoing case after case-.."

"Lidner," he interrupted, clipping off whatever bleeding heart nonsense she was no doubt going to continue with. His voice was calm and even, but it carried with it a heat that Near didn't even know he had within him.

There were a few seconds of silence between them where Near awaited her acknowledgement. She finally sighed and said, "Yes, Near?"

"Get out."

Near did not know what he would do if she did not obey him in the next few seconds, but he knew it would not be good. He definitely wanted her to leave before he reached that point.

It seemed to do the trick, because moments later, Near heard the door opening and closing again, once again leaving him in silence with his even-growing fortress of cards. He picked up the next card and flipped it over, unveiling the Three of Swords. He closed his eyes for a moment, sucked in a breath, slowly let it out, and then added the card to the fortress.

* * *

"..would be happy to hear from you, but if you choose to decline my invitation, I will understand. Hope to hear from you soon."

Sayu let out a tired sigh as she closed out of her voicemail and set her phone back down. So, word had reached the police chief himself that she knew the truth about her brother. That was interesting. She wondered if Matsuda had told the chief himself or if Near had tattled on Matsuda. She scoffed at either idea. It didn't really matter much in the end - the point was the chief knew that she knew and now he was offering her the truth, which was all she had wanted from the very beginning. It all seemed like it was too little, too late.

She did wonder if perhaps the chief was just going to either feed her more lies or sugar-coat the truth like everyone else had up until that point, but then again, she had not made up her mind as to whether she would accept his invitation or not. Her mind was, after all, distracted by something else at the moment.

With some apprehension, she peered from her perch on the edge of the bathtub over at the little stick that sat on her bathroom counter as if it belonged there. Three minutes had passed by now, hadn't it? She didn't suppose thirty seconds in one direction or another would make much of a difference, so she leaned over, grabbed the stick, and peered down at it.

Two pink lines. Not one, but two. There was no mistaking it. How had anyone ever been able to mistake such a clear-cut thing?

All other thoughts fled once she saw those two little lines. Great. Just when she thought things could not have gotten any worse, it seemed that even her birth control was going to fail her.

With a shuddering sigh, she allowed the stick to slip from her fingers and clatter onto the bathroom floor as she put her face into both hands and quietly began to cry.


End file.
